YOU ARX A KXY PXRSON

Xvxn though my computxr kxyboard is an old modxl it works quitx wxll xxcxpt for onx of the kxys. I wishxd many timxs that it workxd pxrfxctly. It is trux that thxrx arx one hundrxd thrxx kxys that function wxll xnough, but just onx kxy not working makxs thx diffxrxncx. 

Somxtimxs it sxxms to mx that our xlxctxd govxrnmxntal rxprxsxntativxs  arx somxwhat likx my kxyboard — not all thx pxoplx arx working propxrly.

You may say to yoursxlf, “Wxll, I am only onx pxrson. I won’t makx or brxak an xlxction. But it doxs makx a diffxrxnce bxcausx any campaign and xlxction, to be xffxctive, nxxds the activx participation of xvxry citizxn. So thx nxxt timx you think you xre only onx pxrson and that your xfforts arx not nxxdxd, rxmxmbxr my kxyboard and say to yoursxlf, ‘I am a “kxy” pxrson in our country and I am nxxded vxry much.’

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You Know You Are A Country Music Listener If:

• Your richest relative buys a new house and you have helped to take the wheels off.
• You’ve ever used lard in bed.
• You consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
• Less than half the cars you own run.
• Your mother didn’t remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Patrolman to ‘Kiss her ass”.
• The color of your car is “Bond-O”.
• The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
• You honest to God believe women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
• Your family tree was not forked.
• Your wife’s hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan.
• You’ve ever hollered “Rock the House, Bubba” during a piano recital.
• Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sporting event.
• You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
• You regularly answer the question, “what have you been doing lately?” with “Partying”.
• Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
• You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed as “Best Picture”.
• The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front tires.
• You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
• You consider “Outdoor Life” as deep reading.
• The diploma hanging in your den include the words “Trucking Institute”.
• You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
• The most common phrase you hear at a family reunion is, “What are you looking at, Shithead?”
• Your mother kept a spit cup on the ironing board.
• You think beef jerky and moon pies are two of the major food groups.
• You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
• You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
• Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry’s has an opening on the lube rack.
• You think Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
• You think a styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all times.
• You’ve been too drunk to fish.
• You use a rag for a gas cap.
• You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
• Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
• You have two or more washing machines sitting on your front porch.

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Fowl Puffs

Here is an excellent recipe for any domesticated or wild fowl that will please anyone’s taste.

2 c fowl, cooked and chopped
3 oz. cream cheese
¼ tsp. salt
2 Tbsp. butter, melted
1/8 tsp. pepper
1 Tbsp. onion, chopped
3 pkgs. crescent rolls

Mix all ingredients except rolls together. Place a portion of each roll (cut rolls in half for appetizers). Pull corners together and pinch. Place on cookie sheet and bake at 400ºF until slightly browned. An egg wash makes this very pretty and seals the edges.

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Christmas Decorations

PQ wanted me to put up Christmas lights, so I did.

Keep your fork and have a Merry Christmas

Grandson’s Question

Her 9-year old grandson came in from outside playing and asked, “Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?”

Taken aback, she decided to be honest, “It’s called sexual  intercourse,” she answered.

“Oh, okay,” said her grandson and went back to playing with his friends. A few minutes later he returned saying angrily, “Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called ‘bunk beds’ and Jimmy’s mother wants to talk to you.”

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Which Apples for Baking?

Some apple varieties are better for baking pies, crisps, and baked apples than other varieties. Here are four varieties that are the ones you want for baking.

Granny Smith: This variety is high in pectin, a natural starch that will help the juices in your pie filling to thicken. You can combine this variety with Golden Delicious apples for less tartness.

Golden Delicious: This variety has a thin skin (peel) which allows you to ship the peeling if desired. They have a mellow, sweet flavor and gets very tender when baked.

Pink Lady or Honeycrisp: These two varieties have a tart-sweet flavor and a firm texture, so they’ll hold there shape when baked whole. These are also very good for use in pies and tarts.

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Pizza Popcorn

Here is a recipe that combines two foods that are enjoyed by many people, pepperoni pizza and popcorn.

1 (8 oz.) pkg sun-dried tomatoes, not packed in oil
2 Tbsp. Italian seasoning
4 tsp. garlic powder
¼ c nutritional yeast
1 (3.3 oz) pkg microwave popcorn
3 Tbsp. melted butter or olive oil
1/3 c sliced pepperoni or mini pepperoni

To make tomato seasoning: In a food processor, combine the tomatoes, Italian seasoning, garlic powder, and nutritional yeast. Pulse 1 minute, until smooth. Transfer mixture to a resealable container until ready to use.

To make the popcorn: Microwave the popcorn according to package directions. In a large bowl, combine the popped popcorn, melted butter, pepperoni, and 2 Tbsp. tomato seasoning. Toss to coat. Add an additional 2 Tbsp. tomato seasoning and toss to coat. Serve immediately.

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Scoville Scale and Handling Chili Peppers

Back in 1912 chemist Wilbur Scoville developed the ‘Scoville Scale’ which measures the heat produced by chili peppers. We probably all know that peppers vary widely in their level of hotness. Sweet bell peppers serve as a threshold with a zero rating, jalalenos go as high as 8,000 and this year we found the variety Trinidad which has a 2 million Scoville unit rating.  I don’t care how adventurous of a pepper eater you are, Trinidad turns up the heat as far as I am concerned!

It’s common knowledge that removing the seeds, which contain most of the heat, and veins will tone down the heat. No matter which peppers you choose, be sure to handle them with care. Rest assured that even the pros wear rubber gloves when dicing and slicing peppers. Taking it one step further, do as native cooks have done for centuries, coat your hands with oil before handling hot peppers. Even using these protection methods, be sure to wash your hands and arms with plenty of hot soapy water after working with any hot peppers before touching your eyes, face or any other vulnerable body part(s).

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Finding Jesus

A local church held their winter revival meeting last week which reminded me of this story.

A man is stumbling through he woods, totally drunk, when he stumbles down a riverbank and bumps into a preacher who is baptizing people. The startled preacher turns around and is overwhelmed by the smell of alcohol. He asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk answers, “Yes, I am.”

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “No, I have not found Jesus.”

The preacher shocked by the answer, dunks him into the water for a little longer. He again pulls the intoxicated man out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus?”

After not getting an answer, the preacher is at his wits end, so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking and waving his arms and legs, he quickly pulls him up. The preacher again asks, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

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A Way to Sweeten and Purify Water

Imagine you are out in nature hunting, fishing, hiking, camping, chasing big foot or for any other reason and loose track of time. Darkness is fast approaching so you find a less than desirable camp location that has a slough, swamp or pond nearby which has an unpleasant odor. It’s the only water source and you need to hydrate and replenish your water supply. What do you do?

One way to sweeten and purify the water is to drop several bits of charred hardwood from your campfire into the boiling pot of water and simmer for 15 to 20 minutes. Usually this method will do the job. You can then skim away most of the foreign matter, and then either strain the water by pouring it through a clean cloth, or if time permits and you have extra utensils, allow it to settle out before using.

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