- If at first you don’t succeed..try doing it the way your wife told you.
- You’re never childless, when you have a husband.
- If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks..why is there a light in the fridge?
- My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the road.
- Sometimes I drink a glass of water..just to surprise my liver.
- Childhood is like being drunk..everyone remembers what you did, except you.
- Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who’s not buying it?
- I can’t wait until I’m old enough to pretend I can’t hear.
- I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door..because I’m not a liar.
- I’m absolutely convinced the socks that go missing from the dryer turn into extra Tupperware lids.
- Common sense is a flower that doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden.
- Ever look back and think of some of the people you dated or wanted to date in high school..and see them on Facebook and think, “Whew! I dodged a bullet on THAT ONE!”
- Nurses can’t fix stupid but they can sedate it or restrain it.
- If your mate wants bright-eyed and bush-tailed in the morning..tell them to go catch a squirrel.
- Your next yard sale sign should read..”Our Crap Could Be Your Crap.”
- This is how my week goes; Mooooooooooonday, Tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuesday, Weeeeeeeeeeednesday, Thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuursday, FridaySaturdaySunday.
Keep your fork