The Gas Jockey and the Old Couple

Remember back when you pulled into a filling station and an attendant would come out and pump the gas for you. He would also check the oil and tire air pressure along with washing the windshield. You didn’t even have to get out of your car. Here’s a story from those days.

An old man and his wife are driving through upstate New York when they stop in a gas station to fill up. The attendant, trying to make conversation, says to the old man, “I see from your license plate that you’re from Vermont.”

The wife, who is hard of hearing, says, “WHAT’D HE SAY?”

The old man yells in her ear, “HE SAYS HE SEES WE”RE FROM VERMONT.”

“Oh,” she says.

The attendant says to the old man, “That’s a beautiful state.”

The wife asks, “WHAT’D HE SAY?”

The old man yells in her ear, “HE SAY’S VERMONT IS A BEAUTIFUL STATE.”

“Oh,” she says.

The attendant leans in and whispers to the old man, “I had the worst sex of my life in Vermont.”

The wife asks, “WHAT’D HE SAY?”

The old man says to her, “HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU.”

Keep your fork


Where Did It Come From?

The next time you are washing your hands and complain that the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are a few of facts about the 1500’s.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide their body odor.

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot. And once it was full it was sold to the tannery.

If you had to do this to survive you were “Piss Poor”. But worse than that were the really poor folks who couldn’t afford to buy a pot… they “didn’t have a pot to piss in”and were the lowest of the low.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying “Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water.”

Houses had thatched roofs- thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.

When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where the bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That was how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence, the saying, “Dirt poor.” The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they used to spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence, a thresh hold.

Keep your fork

Deviled Birds

I have a friend that has a strong dislike for left-overs of any kind. His solution is to eat until it’s all gone. If you are like I am, you may have left over turkey, chicken, duck, goose, pheasant, etc. Here’s a good way to get rid of your left-overs.

1/2 oz. butter
1/2 tsp. mustard
1/4 tsp. cayenne
1/2 tsp. salt
dash of pepper or 1/4 tsp. chili powder

Cut the meat fine. Add mixture and heat well in fry pan.

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The British Amputee and the Nazi

A British Flyer is captured behind enemy lines during World War II. Badly wounded, he is taken to a Nazi hospital, where he is alternately treated and interrogated.

“Major,” a Nazi soldier says to him, “I am afraid ve vill haff to anputate your right leg. Ziss is most regrettable, and my commander vould like to know if zere is anysing ve can do to make your stay more comfortable.”

“No, there isn’t,” says the major. “But I would request that my leg be buried in British soil.”

“I vill see what I can do,” the Nazi soldier says.

The next day, after the leg is removed, the Nazi comes to see the major in the hospital ward and says, “Ve haff made arrangements to drop your leg over Britain on ze next bombing raid. Is ziss satisfactory?”

“Yes,” says the major.

“Unfortunately,” the Nazi continues, “ze doctors haff declared zat your injuries are more severe zan ve thought, and ve now haff to amputate your left leg.”

“I would like to request,” the major says, “that my leg be buried in England.”

“I vill see vhat I can do,” the Nazi says.

The next day, after the second operation, the Nazi comes to see the major, and says, “Ve haff dropped your right leg over Britain, and ve haff made arrangements to drop your left leg on ze next bombing raid. Is this satisfactory?”

“Yes,” says the major.

“Unfortunately,” the Nazi continues, “though our doctors are ze best trained in ze world, zey haff not been successful in zere efforts to save your right arm. Ve now haff to amputate your right arm.”

“I’d like that buried in England as well,” says the major.

“I vill see vhat I can do,” the Nazi says.

“The next day, after the third operation, the Nazi comes to see the major, and says, “Ve haff dropped your left leg over Britain, your right leg over England, and haff made arrangements to drop your right arm on ze next bombing raid. Is ziss satisfactory?”

“Yes,” says the major.

“Unfortunately,” the Nazi continues, “ze bad news continues. Ze doctors haff informed me zat zere is nothing more zey can do, and ve now haff to amputate your left arm.”

“I’d like it to be buried with the rest,” says the major.

“I vill see vat I can do,” says the Nazi.

The next day the Nazi comes in very angry. “You haff been tricking me, Major, and I vill not allow it to continue. Ve will not be dropping your left arm over Britain.”

“But why?” asks the major.

“I haff discussed your request vis my superior,” the Nazi says. “Ve sink you are trying to escape.”

Keep your fork

As I Age

Having survived another birthday recently, I realize that:

  • I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
  • Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
  • I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off.
  • My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
  • The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
  • When I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment. Now it’s like a mini vacation.
  • The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
  • Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
  • Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
  • When the kids text me “plz” which is shorter than “please”, I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.
  • At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Keep your fork

Frog Legs

Catfish asked me the other day if I had ever eaten frog legs. I don’t remember how the topic ever came up, but here is a good river dweller recipe for this delicacy.

1 egg, slightly beaten
Fine bread crumbs
Cooking oil

Slip skin off hind quarters of frogs. Wash frog legs thoroughly. Dry. Rub with salt and pepper. Dip in slightly beaten egg. Roll in fine bread crumbs. Fry in deep fat (385 degrees F.) until well browned.

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Sodium Intake

We have more or less thrown away the salt shaker. When the doctors tell you to watch your sodium intake for a health issue, you may want to listen. You may find it hard to limit your intake as 25 percent comes from your salt shaker while 75% comes from processed foods.

How much sodium to we need?

Limit to 1500 mg sodium per day if:

  • Over 50 years old
  • African american
  • High Blood Pressure
  • Diabetes
  • Kidney Disease

Less than 2300 mg per day:

  • Most people 2 years and older

Read the food labels for sodium content. Choose single food items that have 140 mg of sodium or less. Plan meals with less than 500 mg of sodium.

Keep your fork