- I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
- I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
- You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
- Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
- You know that tingly feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
- I don’t like making plans for the day because the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
- I decided to change calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
- Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what’s your plan?
Keep your fork