Gopher Wood

The benefit of still being in the gopher wood ( any kind of wood except good solid oak- fill the stove and go for more) section of the wood shed is that I’m up every 2 hours at night feeding the stove. I guess that’s really not the benefit but being able to have many different dreams a night is. One dream from last night went like this:

Back and forth . . . Back and forth . . .

In and out . . . In and out . . .

A little to the right . . . A little to the left . . .

She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . Between her breasts . . .

And, trickling down the small of her back . . .

She was getting near the end.

I was in ecstasy . . . with a huge smile on my face as the Pickle Queen moved . . .

Forwards then backwards . . . Forwards then backwards . . .

Again . . . and again . . .

Her heart was pounding now . . . Her face was flushed . . .

She moaned . . . softly at first, then began to grow louder . . .

Finally . . . totally exhausted . . . she let out a scream . . .

“OK, OK, you smug bastard! So I can’t parallel park! You do it!!!!”

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Dorthy and Edna

Dorthy and Edna are two “senior” widows who live up here on the Massanutten. They were heard talking together the other day.

Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such ┬ábeautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what’s there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out to dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!”

Dorothy: “Goodness gracious! So you’re telling me I shouldn’t go?”

Edna: “No, no, no… I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”

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Cheeseburger Pie

Here is a good way to use some of your venison, moose, or other wild game if you do not have ground beef handy. Feel free to add/change ingredients as you see fit (maybe add dill pickle slices on top, etc.).

1 or 2 lb ground beef or ground wild game
1 pkg dry onion soup mix
3/4 c water
1/2 c finely chopped onion
1 1/2 finely shredded cheese, your choice
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
1 1/2 c milk
3 large eggs
3/4 c bisquick mix

Lightly grease a 9 x 13 pan or 2 pie pans. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. After cooking and draining ground meat add the onion soup mix and water. Let simmer until liquid is gone. In a separate pan, caramelize the onions and add to the ground meat mix. In a mixing bowl add the salt, eggs and bisquick mix. Beat until the batter is evenly mixed. Divide the meat mixture and cheese selection in two. Place a layer of meat mixture topped by a layer of cheese in the pan(s) followed by another layer of meat and cheese. Evenly pour the bisquick mix over the top cheese layer in the pan. Bake for 30 minutes in the 400 degree oven.

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Wal-Mart Greeter

Wal-Mart has been in the news lately with its closing of 269 stores across the nation. This brings to mind that young people forget that we older people had a career before we retired. Here is a story of one such individual.

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. “Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”

“Yes, I know boss, and I’m working on it,” replied Charley.

“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I want to hear,” the boss said.

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?”

Charley looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, “They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?”

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Proofreading is a Dying Art

Check out these proofreading goofs.

  • “Toilet is out of order. Please use floor below.”
  • In a Laundromat – Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
  • In a London department store – Bargain Basement Upstairs
  • In an office – Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
  • In an office – After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
  • Outside a second-hand shop – We exchange anything – Bicycles, Washing Machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
  • Notice in health food shop window – Closed due to illness.
  • Spotted in a safari park – Elephants, please stay in your car.
  • Seen during a conference – For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a daycare on the 1st floor.
  • Notice in a farmer’s field – The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
  • Message on a leaflet- If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
  • On a repair shop door – We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door – The bell doesn’t work.)
  • Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
  • Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
  • Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  • Miners Refuse To Work After Death
  • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  • War Dims Hopes For Peace
  • If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
  • Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  • Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
  • Man Struck By Lightning; Faces Battery Charges
  • New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  • Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  • Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
  • Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  • Sign in a used car dealership – Bring in your wife and we’ll dicker.

Keep your fork

Eastern European Skillet

This one skillet dish can be served with a green salad for an easy, delicious meal.

1 pkg kielbasa or similar sausage (sliced)
1 medium yellow onion (sliced into thin rings)
1 can kraut (or similar amount of bagged kraut)
3 or 4 medium sized Yukon gold potatoes (sliced thinly)
1 box or a dozen homemade pierogies
4 or 5 thin slices of Swiss cheese
salt and pepper to taste

In a large skillet, heat the fat of your choice on medium heat. Saute the onions and potatoes until cooked and slightly golden in color. Add pepper and salt as they cook. Push the potatoes and onions to the side, add the frozen pierogies and a little more butter or oil. Cook an additional 4 minutes covered. Turn the pierogies and mix with the potatoes and onions. Add the kielbasa and stir. Cook until slightly browned and warmed or at least 4 more minutes for frozen pierogies (home made pierogies can be added with the kielbasa). Add the kraut and stir.  Top with the slices of cheese, replace the lid, and when the cheese has melted, serve directly from the skillet.

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Power Outage

Jonas has moved out to sea and our 20 plus inches of snow is starting to melt. We had a power outage at our place during the storm and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down,

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was blizzarding and I couldn’t go outside.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

Keep your fork