Employee Handbook

More and more places of employment have jumped on the band wagon and have mission statements, handbooks, long and short term objectives, etc. If there is a chance that something may happen, they have a policy to cover it and will waste your time by having you attend a meeting to learn about it. If you are thinking of changing employers, my advice is to get a copy of their employee handbook and to study it closely before signing on with them. Here is an example from an employee handbook  for a company to shy away from.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to a doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

DRESS CODE
It is advised you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave early by the length or your lunch hour (see LUNCH BREAK).

RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.

Thank you for your loyalty to our great company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Keep your fork

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