The Day I Met Turner Brown

I heard the statement “All men are created equal” the other day and all of a sudden I remembered meeting Turner Brown. I guess it was some kind of a flash back. If you have ever participated in high school/college sports or have been in the military you know that the ‘created equal’ statement is a load of horse apples. Turner Brown is a prime example. We all know that all the Jones, Smiths, Browns and Johnsons are not created equal. Some are proud of who they are. Some go so far as to having a special nickname. Others are just normal.

It all started out like a normal day does on the Massanutten. After arising and doing all my medical checks to see if I’m alive, I headed to the kitchen to make breakfast for the Pickle Queen and myself. Yogurt with blueberries, slivered almonds, and strawberries and/or grapes along with a slice of toast with homemade jam and a cup of decaf coffee for the PQ.  A slice of toast with peanut butter along with a cup of decaf for me and I called, “BREAKFAST.”

With the breakfast fixings put away, it’s time to decide what’s on the agenda for the day. Although the breakfast routine is pretty well fixed from day to day, what the rest of the day may bring is a big crap shoot. There’s grass to mow, trimming trees/shrubs to do, garden to tend, vegetables and fruits to preserve, trees to fell and wood to split; the list goes on and on. Golden years my ass! PQ said she has some laundry to do and lettuce to pick for lunch. I flipped a coin and picking up branches down at the pavilion by the river lead the things to be done before I hear “Come home, Come home, it’s supper time.”

I hooked the trailer behind my X324 JD mower and down the road I went. Having a constant ringing in my ears from my growing up on a John Deere B, I wear hearing protection whenever using the mower, chainsaw, tiller, etc. That day was no exception. I often forget that I am wearing them and when I got down to the river and started to pick up branches, they were on my head, not hanging on the steering wheel.

I was making good time cutting up the bigger branches and loading them on the trailer when all of a sudden I felt that I was not alone. If this feeling has ever happened to you, you know how I flinched when I suddenly realized someone was standing behind me. Now, mind you, I’m not a small guy. My nephrologist is always concerned with my low blood pressure. He’s says he doesn’t want “a big guy like me” falling down and breaking a piece of furniture. This guy could double for Andrea the Giant. I always accused a fellow teacher/wanna be irrigation service technician of having “small man” syndrome, not really knowing what it must be like to be afflicted with this problem. That morning I KNEW what it was like.

Just outside the gate to Foster’s landing, our 5 home sites, stood an old black caddy that this guy must have driven up in. Nothing new. Strangers often end up here at road’s end and usually ask how they can get to US 340 which is visible just across the river. Some don’t believe and don’t want to hear that they missed 3 road ends in so many miles signs, and must retrace their  route and go back 14 miles  to Bixler’s Ferry Bridge to cross the river.

This big dude looked down at me and said, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.” This dude not only knew who he was, but was proud of it and definitely did not have small man syndrome.

I must have fainted because the next thing I knew I was laying in the shade of a big walnut tree to which this guy must have carried me.He was slapping my face and shaking me. After taking off my ear muffs, he asked, “What’s wrong with you?”

I looked up at him and said, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”

As he helped me up he said, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”

I replied, “Thank God! I thought you said ‘turn around.’

Keep your fork




Do You Have a Sharp Mind?

Keeping a sharp mind as you advance in age (get older) is important. Each of the following have 3 things listed that have something in common. Can you figure out which each of the three have in common?

  1. A Doctor – A Mailman – Domino’s ________________________
  2. A Male Goat – A Dollar -A Male Deer ______________________
  3. A Coal Miner – A Dentist – A Guitar Player __________________
  4. A Doughnut – A Cavity – A prescription ____________________
  5. A Cook – A Toilet – College Football _______________________
  6. A Sport’s Page – A Movie – A Broadway Musical _______________
  7. An Aquarium – An Army – A Car _________________________
  8. A Scale – A Tire – A Checkbook __________________________
  9. A Boat & Trailer – A Horse & Buggy – A Bride & Groom __________
  10. Hair – A Brain – An Ocean _____________________________
  11. A Hockey Game – A Restaurant – A Bank ___________________
  12. A Ball – A Fish – A Cold _______________________________
  13. A Basketball Court – A Highway – A Bowling Alley _____________
  14. A Bell – A Mouth – A Shoe _____________________________
  15. A Bottle – A Baseball Player – A Mushroom _________________
  16. An Ego – A Question – A Balloon ________________________
  17. A Ball – A Salad – A Coin _____________________________
  18. Fog – A Jack – A Body Builder _________________________

Answers in a following post

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The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song titles (J-Z)

This is the second half of the Best of the Worst country-Western Song Titles. See the June 25th post for the 1st half.

Learning To Live Again Without You Is Killing Me
Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
My Head Hurts, My feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
Oh, Lord! It’s Hard To Be Humble When You’re Perfect In Every Way
Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed
Pardon Me, I’ve Got Someone To Kill
Please Bypass This Heart
She Feels Like A New Man Tonight
She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My heart
She’s Got Freckles On Her, But She’s Pretty
She’s Out Doing What I’m Here Doing Without
Swing Wide Your Gate Of Love
Tennis Must Be Your Racket ‘Cause Love Means Nothin’ To You
Thank God For Greyhound She’s Gone
The Last Word In Lonesome Is ‘Me”
There Ain’t No Waste In My Baby’s Love Canal
They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out
Touch Me With More Than Your Hands
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
What Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made A Lose Out Of Me)
When We Get Back To The Farm (That’s When We Really Go To Town)
When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I’ll think You’re Walking In
Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or Your Lying Eyes?
You Can’t Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play
You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too
You Can’t Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
You Done Tore My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
You’re A Cross I Can’t Bear
You’re Ruining My Bad Reputation
You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Keep your fork

Fried Cucumbers

If your cucumbers are producing like ours, you are probably looking for new ways to eat/preserve/use/give away excess ones. Here’s a recipe you may want to try.

4 large cucumbers, washed and cut into 1/8 inch slices
Seasoned flour for dusting
Salt and pepper to taste
Oil for frying

Spread the slices of cucumbers between paper towels to dry excess moisture. After an hour, remove the slices and season with the salt and pepper. Dip the slices in the flour to slightly coat both sides. Fry quickly in deep fat until the slices are golden brown on both sides. Drain on paper towels and serve right away.

Keep your fork

Don’t Drink in Church

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So the next Sunday, the priest took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a few drinks. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door.

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as “the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8) David slew Goliath. He did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say “He was stoned off of his ass.”
10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat Me.”
12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the Mary with the Cherry.”
13) The recommended grace before meals is not, “Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God.”
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Keep your fork

The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (A through I)

These are all supposedly real country-western song titles. I can’t verify that this is true, but I do know that if they aren’t actual titles, they sure could or should be. Some, I recognize.

Do You Love As Good As You Look
Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?
Drop Kick Me Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart
Heaven’s Just A Sin Away
Her Body Couldn’t Keep You Off My Mind
Her Cheatin’ Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me
Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
Here’s A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
How Can A Whisky That’s 6 Years Old Whup A Man That’s 33?
How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I’ve Been A Liar All My Life?
I’ve Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
I Can’t Get Over You, So Why Don’t You Get Under Me?
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
I Don’t Know What Came Over Me (When I Came All Over You)
I Don’t Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy
I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
I Don’t Want Your Body If Your Heart’s Not In It
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2
I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine
I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don’t Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About you
I Knew I’d Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of You
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I May Be Used (But Baby I Ain’t Used Up)
I Meant Every Word That He Said
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
I Wanna Whip Your Cow
I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She’s Out Of town
I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck!
I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
I Wouldn’t Take You To A Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
I’d Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
I’ll get Over You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
I’m Gettin’ Gray From Being Blue
I’m Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home
I’m Havin’ Daydreams About Night Things In The Middle Of The Afternoon
I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
I’m Not Married But The Wife Is
I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
I’m The Only Hell My Mama Ever Raised
I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
I’ve Got Four On The Floor And A Fifth Under The Seat
I’ve Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies And I’m Blue All The Time
I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back In My Bed While I Cry Over You
I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line
If Drinkin’ Don’t Kill Me, Her Memory Will
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I’d Find On You
If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now
If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?
If It’s Got To Be Later, How ‘Bout Later Tonight?
If Love Were Oil, I’d be A Quart Low
If My Nose Were Full Of Nickles, I’d Blow It All Over You
If She Put Lipstick On My Dipstick, I’d Fall In Love
If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I’d Cry All Night Long
If The Phone Don’t Ring, Baby, You’ll Know It’s Me
If Whiskey Were A Woman I’d Be Married For Sure
If You Can’t Feel It (It Ain’t There)
If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
It Ain’t Love But It Ain’t Bad
It Don’t Feel Like Sinnin’ To Me
It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long

The rest of the list another time.
Keep your fork

Fish Loaf

A lot of left over roast beef and tired of cold beef sandwiches?  Make a meat pie as my mother did. Left over chicken? Mom made chicken pot pie. Ground beef left over? Hash, Shipwreck, or Chili. If we caught a mess of small fish, Mom would fry up the bigger ones and throw the smaller ones in the stock tank to grow up. Nothing was thrown away. If she would have known this recipe for fish loaf even those smaller fish would have graced our supper table.

Small fish have just as many bones as larger fish, but only smaller in size and are definitely harder to fillet. Here’s an easier way to debone small fish to get the delicate white fish flesh needed to make this fish loaf. After scaling, gutting and deheading the fish, drop them into a kettle of boiling water. Gently simmer the fish for 5 minutes before removing them from the water and picking the flesh from the bones.

3 c cooked, deboned fish
3/4 c bread crumbs, finely crushed
6 Tbsp soft butter (margarine would do in a pinch)
2 eggs, slightly beaten
1 tbsp fresh parsley flakes
Salt and pepper to taste

Thoroughly blend all the ingredients. Place the fish mixture into a buttered loaf pan. If you want to keep the bottom of the loaf from browning, place the loaded loaf pan into a larger pan containing 1 inch of water. If you want the loaf bottom to brown, omit the water bath. Bake at 375 degrees for 1 hour. Serve plain or with your favorite sauce.

Keep your fork