- My goal for 2016 was to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 to go!
- I ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce… and cheese. FINE, it was pizza … I ate pizza.
- How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash.
b. Get some meat.
- I did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
- I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 14-day supply of diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
- A recent study has found women who carry a little excess weight live longer than men who mention it.
- Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
- Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
- Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Neither do I.
- I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I’m sorry, I forgot where I was going with this.
- I love being 70. I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
- A theif broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
- My dentist told me I need a Crown. I said, “You bet, pour mine over rocks.”
- I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Keep your fork