New Years Resolutions

 

It’s that time of year, once again. The time to make New Years Resolutions is running short, so as they say, make hay while the sun shines. In other words, make resolutions that you have a chance of keeping, not ones that will be broken before week’s end.

Examples of resolutions that may be broken easily:

Spend less than $1,000 on Starbucks coffee this year.
I will read the instruction manual (as soon as I can find it).
Lose 25 pounds by going to the gym.
Spend less than 6 hours per day on the internet.
I will use a password other than “Password”.
I will try to figure out why I need half a dozen Facebook accounts.

Examples of resolutions you can actually keep:

Read less.
Gain at least 25 pounds.
Stop exercising.
I will start buying my lottery tickets at luckier stores.
Watch TV shows less that are aired in standard definition.
Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
Procrastinate more.
Use more deodorant instead of doing laundry so often.
Drink.
Drink some more.
Start being superstitious.
Start a new habit, like smoking.
Spend more time worrying about the future instead of wasting my time reliving the past.
Buy less worthless junk on Ebay as QVC has better specials.

Hopefully you get the point. Now, make some hay!

Keep your fork

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Shocked!

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
as I entered Heaven’s door,
not by the beauty of it all,
by the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
who made me sputter and gasp,
The thieves, the liars and sinners,
the alcoholics and other trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
who swiped my lunch money twice,
next to him was my neighbor,
Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought
was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting on cloud nine,
looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, “What’s the deal?
I would love to hear your take.
How’d these sinners get up here?
God must’ve made a mistake.”

“And why’s everyone so quiet?
So somber. Give me a clue.”
“Hush child,” said He, “they’re all in shock,
No one thought they’d see you!”

Keep your fork

Braunschweiger Cheese Ball

We picked up some dried beef yesterday to make a cheese ball for New year’s Eve which reminded me of this recipe. If you are a braunschweiger lover (or even a liker), you’ll want to try this one out. Who knows, we may even get others to join our ranks.

8 oz braunschweiger
8 oz cream cheese
1 c shredded Colby cheese
Sprinkle of garlic powder

Mix all together; roll in a ball.

Keep your fork

Aging

This short poem will never make it into one of those books written by that veterinarian who works on felines that wear head-gear, but I enjoy it none the less. I hope you do too. Any resemblance to myself is purely coincidental.

I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh my God, what can I do?

My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mind is bad, can you tell?

My body’s drooping
Have trouble pooping
The golden years
Have come at last
The golden years
Can kiss my ass.

Keep your fork

Warm Spiced Apple Cider

Here’s another drink to warm your bones with.

5 c apple cider
7 (3-inch) cinnamon sticks
1 whole clove
1 (1/2-inch-thick) orange slice
1 (1/2-inch-thick) lemon slice
1/2 c brandy (optional)

Combine cider, ONE cinnamon stick, clove, orange slice and lemon slice in a medium saucepan; bring to a boil. Cover, reduce heat, and simmer 30 minutes. Strain cider mixture through a sieve into a bowl; discard solids. (Alternatively, you can put the cinnamon and clove into a spice or tea sachet, then sieving isn’t needed). Stir in brandy (if using). Serve warm. Garnish each serving with 1 cinnamon stick.

Keep your fork

German Style Mulled Wine

GLÜHWEIN, a German style mulled wine, can be made with any dry-ish red wine, such as a Merlot. It makes an excellent holiday drink.

1 (750 milliliter) bottle red wine
3/4 c water
3/4 c white sugar
1 cinnamon stick
1 orange
10 whole cloves
1/2 c rum, optional

In a medium size saucepan, combine the water, sugar, cinnamon and cloves. Bring to a boil while stirring constantly, then reduce the heat and continue to simmer. Cut the orange in half and squeeze the juice into the pan. Place the cloves into the orange peel and drop into the mixture. Cook until the mixture starts to thicken like syrup. Pour in the wine and rum (if using) and stir, heating gradually until steaming. DO NOT BOIL. Remove orange peels and serve in prewarmed mugs.

Keep your fork

Southern Nativity Scene

Merry Christmas

One of our local churches has a Nativity Scene that shows great skill and talent that has gone into creating and displaying it. One minor feature bothered me, tho. The three wise men are wearing firemen’s helmets. I was totally unable to come up with a reason that might explain this. Stopping at the local ‘Visitors Center’ I asked the lady behind the counter about the firemen’s helmets. She instantly flew into a rage, shouting at me, “You Yankees never do read the Bible!” That’s the second time I’ve been called a ‘Yankee’ since moving out here so I assured her that I did read the Bible, but for the life of me, I couldn’t recall anything about firemen’s helmets in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from underneath the counter, ruffled through the pages, and finally poked her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face, she said, “See, right here, ‘The three wise men came from afar.'”

Keep your fork