Fat Guys In The Woods or Naked & Afraid?

As I was flicking through the channels the other night I happened to stop a few minutes on Naked & Afraid. I looked over at the Pickle Queen and commented, “I think I’ll apply to be on this show.”

“Yea, sure,” she countered, “you’d have more of a chance of getting on Fat Guys In The Woods.”

I thought about that comment for a few minutes and decided that I knew that I could last the 5 days on the fat guys show but wasn’t so sure about the 21 days on the naked show. Too many times I’ve seen that the most dangerous time on Naked & Afraid is during the extraction where they generally have to navigate through shark infested waters. In fact, during that very show, they had two sharks swimming around them as they swam toward rescue. I could almost hear the sharks conversation. It went something like this.

As the younger of the two sharks made a bee line toward the naked guy and gal, the bigger shark said, “Hold it a minute Junior, stop where you are and quit licking your lips.” The young shark stopped and swam back toward its father. “First we swim around them with just the tip of our fins showing,” the father shark continued.  And so  they did. “Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing,” the father shark told his son. And they did. “Now we eat both of them!” said the big shark.

“Dad,” says the young shark, “why didn’t we eat them when we first saw them?”

“They’ll taste much better without all the poop inside,” answered the father shark.

Luckily, the guy and gal got on the rescue boat before the sharks got to them.

Keep your fork

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Practical Spiritual Truths

I received these ten practical spiritual truths with deep meanings from a disabled (blind) Nam veteran a few years back. I tucked them away and the Pickle Queen ran across them while cleaning out the desk. Thought I’d share them with you.

  1. Prayer is not a “spare wheel” that you pull out when in trouble; it is a “steering wheel” that directs us in the right path throughout life.
  2. Do you know why a car’s WINDSHIELD is so large and the rear view mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, look ahead and move on.
  3. Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes a few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.
  4. All things in life are temporary. If going well enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong don’t worry, they can’t last long either.
  5. Old friends are like Gold! New friends are like Diamonds! If you get a Diamond, don’t forget the Gold! Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a base of Gold!
  6. Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, “Relax, sweetheart, it’s just a bend, not the end!”
  7. When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn’t solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.
  8. A blind person asked St. Anthony: “Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?” He replied, “Yes, losing your vision.”
  9. When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them; and when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.
  10. WORRYING does not take away tomorrow’s TROUBLES; it takes away today’s PEACE.

Keep your fork

Egg Coffee

On Tiny House Nation last night a young couple wanted to downsize from a 1700 square foot farm-house to a 200 square foot tiny home. They had 4 different coffee pots on the kitchen counter they wanted to take with them. John, the host, said that if he wants a cup of coffee all he needed was the one coffee pot he had in his kitchen at home. I got to thinking how coffee has changed since we first got married 48+ years ago. Now-a-days there must be a couple of dozen different types and ways that coffee can be made or put together. Even Mickey D’s has a handful of options. Back in the good old days you had dripped (tricolated), percolated or egg coffee.

It didn’t make any difference what denomination of Lutheran church you went to, the church ladies made egg coffee for every conceivable function. Not very many of those church ladies are still working in the kitchens of those churches today and the art of making egg coffee will come to an end if this knowledge isn’t passed on to the present generation. Here’s how.

Rinse out the coffee pot with boiling water. Allowing 1 tablespoon of coffee for each cup of water, measure the coffee into the pot. Combine the coffee with slightly beaten eggs, using 1 egg for each 8 tablespoons of coffee. Pour the measured amount of freshly boiled water over the coffee and egg mixture. Heat to boiling after thoroughly mixed. Boil for 3 minutes. Strain and serve at once.

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A Talking Frog

Catfish, our neighbor, is known by many in and around Virginia to be a top-notch fisherman. You often see him heading down to the river in his Gator with various fishing rods and reels strapped to the front bumper. If a species of fish has swam in the Shenandoah, Catfish has caught at least one fish of that species. He knows the type of water these fish inhabit and the type of bait to use to catch them. He had an unusual experience this past fall that many people haven’t heard about. I feel it is my responsibility to spread the story.

As I had mentioned in previous posts, Catfish is generally a catch and release fisherman. I believe it was a Tuesday morning when he was sitting on a 5 gallon pail he had flipped upside down. He had been trying to catch a couple of smallmouth bass for supper as Gator Babe had a hankering for fish that evening.

All of a sudden a frog appeared before him and yelled, “Mister! Mister! Down here. I’m really a beautiful princess. Kiss me and I’ll teach you how to catch fish by the bucket full and we’ll live happily ever after.”

Catfish carefully bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his shirt pocket. He struggled to get off the pail and pick up his gear. He placed the rods back in their proper holders, got into the Gator and headed back up the hill toward home.

As he came through the gate, the frog yelled out again, “Hey mister, I’m really a gorgeous princess. Kiss me and we’ll live happily ever after!” Still Catfish didn’t say a word but kept on driving. As he was coming past my barn the frog was getting angry at being ignored and shouted out, “Why don’t you kiss me? I told you I am a beautiful princess and will teach you how to catch fish and that we’ll live happily ever after.”

“Listen honey,” Catfish said, “I’m 81 years old. At this point in my life I’d rather have a talking frog.”

I guess with age comes wisdom.

Keep your fork

The Clever (Lazy) Man’s Biscuits and Gravy

Granted, it’s not as good as ‘made from scratch’ biscuits and gravy, but it will do in a pinch.

1 large can (16.3 oz) Southern Homestyle biscuit dough
1 (15 oz) can Libby’s Country Sausage Gravy

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Place biscuits 1 to 2 inches apart on an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake 13 to 17 minutes or until golden brown. Meanwhile, pour the sausage gravy into a microwave-safe bowl. Cover. Microwave on high for 2 minutes or until hot, stirring halfway through. Stir before serving.

(Grandma just rolled over!)

Keep your fork

A Squirrel Tale

While sitting at the table eating a flat-out for lunch the other day, I happened to see a gray squirrel jump down out of the wood pile and head back to his nest high up in a tree. I’m not sure what a flash back is like but all of a sudden I remembered the squirrel problem Coulter (the first town the Pickle Queen and I lived in) had.

Coulter is a small town in central Iowa. Back then it was surrounded by big groves of trees and corn fields. It may be like that yet today as we haven’t been back in that country for decades. All the trees and corn proved to be a big draw for wildlife. You didn’t have to far to go and you would see deer, red fox, a occasional turkey, pheasants, partridge, etc. But, the most abundant species were fox squirrels.

Three buildings in town were especially overrun with the pesky little critters – the town hall, the hardware store and the Lutheran church. The mayor brought in some cats to control the squirrels in the town hall. The cats did an excellent job of controlling the squirrels but had the habit of spraying the walls and were shredding the files with their claws. The mayor got rid of the predators (cats) and within a few days, the squirrels were back.

The owner of the hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels in his establishment with live traps. He took them a couple of miles outside town and set them free. But three days later they were back in full force enjoying life in the garden section were lawn seed and bird food was abundant.

Only the ECLA Lutheran church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members of the church. After that, they only seen them on Christmas and Easter.

Keep your fork

Taco Bites

If you’re hosting a super bowl party, here’s a good recipe for ‘horse divorces’!

40 Ritz type crackers
1/2 lb. ground beef
1/3 c black beans
2 Tbsp taco seasoning mix
3 Tbsp water
1 c shredded Mexican blend cheese
Lettuce, Tomato, Sour Cream as optional toppings

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Place crackers in single layer on parchment lined baking sheet and set aside. In a medium skillet, cook the beans and brown the beef until no pink shows. Drain. Add taco seasoning and water and cook for 2 to 3 minutes. Add the taco meat evenly on top of the crackers. Sprinkle the cheese evenly over the top. Bake for 2 to 3 minutes or until cheese is melted. Serve hot with desired toppings.

Keep your fork