What Really Happened on the Ark

This is one story about life on the Ark that was never taught in Sunday School.

After Noah closed the door of the Ark he called a meeting with all of the animals. “Hey, listen up,” he said. “There will be no sex what so ever on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it to my sons. I will be at the small table over there and will write you a receipt. Hang on to it in order to get your penis back after we land.”

A week into the journey, Mr. Rabbit hopped excitedly into his wife’s cage and said, “Quick! Get on my shoulders, look out the window and tell me if you see land yet?”

She hopped onto his shoulders, looked out the window but said, “Sorry, no sign of land yet.”

“Damn!’ said Mr. Rabbit.

This went on day after day for the next week. Each day Mr. Rabbit would excitedly rush into the cage and ask Mrs. Rabbit if she could see land yet. Each day the answer was the same. Eventually she got sick and tired with him asking the same question and said, “What’s wrong with you? You dang well know that it will rain for forty days and forty nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited?”

“Look,” said Mr. Rabbit slyly, producing a slip of paper from his pocket. “I’ve got the horse’s┬áreceipt!”

Keep your fork

 

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Water Damaged Vehicles

I’ve seen many ‘portable parking lots’ full of used vehicles heading north lately. I’ve also been by an auto auction lot that contained row after row of vehicles that are to be auctioned off, many of which will end up on used car lots around the country. I’m not saying that all these vehicles have flood damage or have been submerged, but the U.S. Department of Justice’s Bureau of Justice Assistance (BJA) says as many as one million flood-damaged vehicles could potentially be passed on to unsuspecting buyers. Here are some basic tips from the AAA on what to check before buying a used vehicle.

  • Start with a reputable dealer (seller). A dealership that has been in your community for many years might be less likely to risk its reputation by selling damaged vehicles.
  • Check for telltale signs of flood water damage such as dried mud under the spare tire, behind the wiring harness and under the dashboard.
  • A damaged vehicle may have a damp or musty odor. The vehicles may not have a new car smell but an off odor is often a sign of trouble.
  • New carpeting, headliner, upholstery in an older vehicle may be hiding serious problems. Look under the rug for signs of moisture.
  • Check for water stains on the entire length of the seatbelts, so buckle up.
  • Take the vehicle on an extended test drive, checking all the lights, electronics and sound system. Remember that speakers and water do not mix well.
  • Take the vehicle to your mechanic. It is wise to have a professional look over any used vehicle before purchasing it.
  • When a vehicle has been ‘totaled’ by an insurance company because of flood damage,a salvage title should be issued by the DMV branding the vehicle title with the term “salvage” or “flood”. This sometimes fails to happen for some unseen reason, so it’s important to remember the above basic tips.

Keep your fork

Dakota Biscuits

If you are a biscuit and gravy lover, chances are you’ll also enjoy these Dakota Biscuits.

1 lb ground beef or venison
1/4 c chopped onion
1 15-oz can tomato sauce
8 canned biscuits
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
1/2 tsp Spikes Dee Licious Seasonings
1 c grated Colby cheese

Brown beef and onions, drain grease, add tomato sauce and seasoning. Simmer 15 minutes. Place biscuits in greased baking dish. Spoon beef mixture over the biscuits. Bake at 400 degrees for 15 minutes. Reduce heat to 350 degrees, sprinkle cheese over top and bake 10 minutes.

Keep your fork

If Catfish and I Were Norwegian

If Catfish and I were both Norwegian, this would be the conversation you would have heard this fall as we were sitting on the Shenandoah riverbank fishing.

Wanting to light a cigar to celebrate our luck at fishing I found I had no matches, so asked Catfish for a light.

“Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,” he replied. Reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a 10 inch long Bic lighter.

“Yiminy Cricket!” I replied, taking the huge Bic lighter from Catfish. “Vhere did yew git dat monster?”

“Vell,” replied Catfish, “I got it from my genie.”

“You haff a genie in your tackle box?” I asked.

“Ya, shure. It’s right here in my tackle box,” Catfish said.

“Could I see him?” I asked.

Catfish opened his tackle box and sure enough, out popped the genie. Addressing the genie, Catfish said, “Hey dere! I’ve got me a gude friend here. Vill you grant him vun vish?”

“Yes, I will,” said the genie. So I asked the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappeared back into the tackle box leaving me sitting there, waiting for my million bucks.

Suddenly, the sky darkened and filled with the sound of a million ducks flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks I yelled at Catfish, “Yumpin Yimmny. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!” The catfish answered, “Ya, I forgot to tell yew da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?”

Keep your fork

 

Keep Your Cooler Cool Longer

At least 90% of the time when we leave the place, as Dad called it, we have a cooler in the vehicle with us. We may not put anything in it during the day, other than the bottles of water we started out with, but we have it ‘just in case’. Living 20+ miles from town, you never know when you may need to take some ice cream, beer, insulin, etc. home with you.

Since Yeti and its knockoffs are beyond our means, we’ve discovered a way to keep the cooler cool longer. Cut a piece of cardboard or thin styrofoam that fits the top of your cooler. Push it down into the cooler so that it acts as a gasket and seals in the coldness. This really helps if the cooler is only partially full.

Keep your fork

Racoon Pie

With both racoon hunting and trapping season open, don’t waste the meat after taking the hide. As Andrew Z. says, “If it looks good, eat it”!

1 racoon
1 qt water
1 pt vinegar
1 Tbsp salt
1 tsp pepper
1 Tbsp brown sugar
1/4 oz pickling spices
1 onion, dices
4 small potatoes
4 small carrots

Gravy:
2 c broth
2 Tbsp butter
5 Tbsp browned flour
1 recipe baking powder biscuits

Cut racoon into serving size pieces. Mix water, seasonings, sugar and spices together. Put racoon pieces in this brine about 8 hours or more. Drain; put in stewing kettle and cover with water. Cook until meat is tender. Add onion, potatoes and carrots. When all the ingredients are tender, remove from broth. Thicken liquid with browned four and butter and season to taste. Place meat and vegetables in a dish and cover with gravy. Cover the top with your own recipe for baking powder biscuits, with a little extra shortening in the dough. Bake in 450 degree oven until brown, about 12 to 15 minutes.

Keep your fork

Computer Useage

If case you haven’t noticed, there’s a lot of people out there that need to take time to reassess their relationship with their computer. Here are a few ‘habits’ that may determine too much dependence on your computer.

  • You wake up every two hours at night to go to the bathroom and you stop to check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
  • You get an awful empty feeling when you turn off your computer, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  • You decide to stay and extra year or two in college, just for the free Internet access.
  • You use smileys ­čÖé in your regular snail mail.
  • You type .com after every period when using a word processor.com
  • You can’t correspond with your folks because they don’t have a computer.
  • You move to a new home and decide to Net-scape before you landscape.
  • You don’t know the sex of your three closest friend as they have nondescript screen names and you’ve never bothered to ask.
  • Your family always knows where you are!

Keep your fork