It’s One Way or the Other

A young attorney, newly out of law school, decided that he needed a hobby to occupy his spare time. All of his buddies talked about sailing all the time, so he decided to give it a shot. He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions and everything seemed to be going great. Then the new lawyer asked, “How do you dock the boat?”

The salesman replied, “Well, you don’t actually dock a sailboat. You tie it up to a float just beyond the dock so you don’t bang up the finish on the craft.”

“Well then,” the lawyer asked, “how do you get out to the sailboat?”

“Good question.” The salesperson told him that you can get a small raft and paddle out to the boat or just walk out to the craft, if you don’t mind getting a little wet.

“Oh, I get it,” said the lawyer, “It’s Row vs. Wade.”

Keep your fork

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Weatherproof Matches

I’ve lucked out so far with keeping a box of small wooden ‘kitchen’ matches for fire starting in an empty, tightly closed peanut butter jar near the burn barrel. I think that this storage method would be awfully inconvenient for field use and need another method for access to useful matches. That’s probably why they sell waterproof matches. But once again, the Dutch comes out in me and says, “Make, don’t buy!”

I use paraffin coated sawdust in egg carton sections for fire starting quite often. One could coat each match with paraffin to weatherproof them, but paraffin tends to gunk up the striking surface and lacks some durability as paraffin tends to flake off.

If you’re a guy, get the nail polish bottle from your significant others Mary Kay makeup case when she’s not around and put it to good use. If you’re a gal, buy the cheapest bottle of nail polish available for this project.

Fill a 2 liter soda bottle cap with nail polish. Dip each match head into the polish and lay the matches over the work bench top with the heads extending off the top.

After the matches have dried, hold each match by its head and dip the remaining part of the match into the nail polish bottle. Lay these dipped matches on a piece of wax paper to dry.

WALLA – weatherproof matches!

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German Hallapse

With the holiday season upon us, I thought it might be the season for some traditional  Christmas ethnic recipes. Being of German decent, I’m starting with a German recipe for Hallapse.

1 small head cabbage
1 lb minced beef
1/4 c uncooked rice
1 egg
Salt and pepper to taste
1/2 c water
2 Tbsp butter
1 c tomato juice

Lightly grease a casserole dish. Cut cabbage leaves loose at stem and steam for 10 minutes. Mix minced beef, uncooked rice, egg, salt and pepper. Place heaping tablespoonfuls on steamed cabbage leaves. Wrap and place with loose side down in greased casserole dish or roaster. Pour water over and dot with butter. Cook for about 1-1/2 hours. Cover with tomato juice. Continue baking for 1/2 hour.

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The Plumber

I was out raking a few leaves the other day when a plumber drove up, got out of his service truck and said, “I’m here to fix the leaky pipe.

“I didn’t call a plumber,” I replied.

“Aren’t you Ronnie Orrison?” was his reply.

“No, I’m not,” I replied. “We’ve been here 6 years. There was a gal named Haile who lived here for 3 years before us. That would mean Ronnie moved out at least nine years ago.”

“How do you  like that?” the plumber grunted. “They call you up and tell you it’s an emergency, then they up and move away.”

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Check The Wind Direction

Himo, one of the ‘Last Alaskans’ was trying hard to get a moose for winter meat on the program the other night. Arriving at a likely spot on a sandbar, Himo reached into a pocket, pulled out a wooden kitchen match, struck it and held it high. After letting it burn for a few seconds, he put out the flame and noted which way the smoke drifted to determine if the wind was in his favor. Evidently, moose and other wildlife in Alaska can’t smell sulphur or smoke.

There are many unscented wind-checking products on the market that work well and are easy to use. But why buy something that you can make yourself.

Milkweed seems to grow all over the country, as do cattails. The seed filaments from the pods/heads can be seen floating in wind currents from up to 50 yards away. You will need a half-dozen or so of these pods/heads from which you will secure the seed filaments from the plumes of the ‘fuzzy stuff’.

If you’ve squirreled away empty film canisters or have empty diabetic test strip canisters you’re almost done. Drill a 3/8 inch hole in the bottom of the canister. Snap open the cap and stuff it as full as possible with the seed filaments that you have removed from the pods/heads before putting the cap back on.

To make it more user-friendly, cut two small pieces off a strip of Velcro. Place the first piece on the side of the canister and the second piece on a convenient location on your weapon. No fumbling in your pocket, looking for the canister, when they’re hooked together.

When it’s time to check wind direction, pull a few plumes from the hole and let them fly.

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Bear Steak

With bear season in full swing, I thought it was time for another bear recipe. Here’s the bear steak recipe you’ve been waiting for.

Marinate your bear steak for 24 hours; wipe dry.

Sauce ingredients:

4 sliced onions
3 Tbsp butter
1 c water
Salt and pepper to taste
1 clove garlic, crushed
3 Tbsp chives
1 tsp prepared mustard
2 Tbsp tomato paste
1 dash Worcestershire sauce

Sauté onions in water and butter. Season with salt and pepper. Add remaining ingredients and simmer a few minutes. Broil steak to desired doneness. Plate and pour sauce over steak. Add buttered sautéed mushrooms if desired.

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Jesus Can See You

A bungling burglar breaks into a darkened house in the best area of town. Not sure if anyone is at home, he sneaks in without turning on any lights and heads to where he believes the valuables are kept. All of a sudden he hears a voice say, “I can see you! Jesus can see you too!”

Taken aback, he freezes in his tracks, not moving a muscle. A couple of minutes pass and he hears the voice repeat, “I can see you! Jesus can see you too!”

Slowly he takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the room. If a corner of the room he sees a birdcage containing a parrot. “Did you say that?” he asks the parrot.

The parrot once again says, “I can see you! Jesus can see you too!”

“Big deal! So what? You’re just a parrot,” says the burglar.

“I may be just a parrot,” replies the parrot. “But Jesus is a Rottweiler!”

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